Dallas Thief Steals 94 Pairs of Panties

Hold on to your tightie whities, grape smugglers, and banana hammocks– there’s a panty thief on the loose.

According to police reports, about $1,400 worth of lingerie was stolen from a Victoria’s Secret in Dallas, Texas on Monday afternoon, and officials still don’t have any suspects in this criminal case against the brief bandit. They also don’t have any inclination as to whether the shoplifter was a male or female, so we’re going to take the liberty to analyze this situation.

If a man scooped up almost 100 pair of underwear from Victoria’s Secret, his criminal motive must’ve been either a) his manties collection was running low, and the guy just needed a few fresh ones or b) see point a. This is grounds for major suspicion– not because of the whole manties thing, because we’ve toyed with the idea a couple times. Whatever. But where the hell did he hide all those sack huggers?

Now let’s say a woman is the culprit. Police released a detailed breakdown of each brief style that was stolen, and only 34 of the 94 panties were reported to be either g-strings or thongs. According to our calculations, that reaches about 1.3 out of 10 on the sexy scale. Basically, said female criminal would’ve mainly spent her thievery on granny panties, in which case we just say let the poor woman get away with the damn crime.