Hot Mess

Location: Christmas morning at the Qwerty house. Attendees: 3/4 of family technically present, but all texting someone else. Family Tradition: Sitting around the fire and playing Farmville together. Family Motto: “Tag me!"

Location: Last man standing at the Ahnapee, Wisconsin Elk's Club New Years Extravaganza. Occupation: Rocket scientist. What he Was Saying While This Photo Was Taken: "Wanna see me make this milk disappear?" What happened right after: A lot of vomiting, but none by him...

Location: Plainfield, NJ Occupation: Loss prevention specialist at Bed Bath and Beyond. Likes: Anything pink, unicorns,  walks on the beach, manicures. Dislikes: Sandals, barefoot walks on the beach, pedicures. His Motto: “The socks stay ON...

Location: Venice Beach, CA Occupation: Assistant Manager at Staples Hobbies: Collecting human gasps. Skills: Stretching everything to it's absolute limit. His Motto: “Binder? I hardly know her!"

Location: Charm School.

Location: His local 24-hour fitness center.

Location: County lockup. Achievements: Ruining Christmas for all five people pictured, and an estimated many more.

Location: "My mom's basement for right now." (For forever.) Achievements: First human to be diagnosed as an actual 'Never-Nude,' oldest living virgin.

Location: The newly-built public transit system of Antarctica. How Many Animals Died for Her Jacket: "Zero, they're all still technically alive." We didn't ask. Skills: Living taxidermist (again, we didn't ask, expert camouflage hair colorist, freelance party entertainer -- ask about her special holiday 'Nanook of the North Terror Package...

Location: 3 feet from your itch, and still scratching it. Hardest Things to Do With Long Nails: Playing Angry Birds, giving cootie shots. Skills: Picking locks, changing the car radio station from the back seat, dosing cocaine. Her Motto: "It's a long way to the top...

Location: Your kitchen. How She Got In: "Hush, you're so silly! How do you like your eggs?" Hobbies: Perfecting her french toast recipe, gluing small pieces of dry cereal to her body to eliminate the need for clothing. Skills: One-handed frying pan flips, un-traceable phone calls, and patience...

Occupation: Webcam actress, docent at the Native American Heritage Museum, big cat enthusiast. Secret Talent: Feeding cougar impression. 3 Things She Can’t Live Without: Peyote, wi-fi, and her leopard print Snuggie. Her Motto: “Katmandu, but cat woman can do better...