Tee Roy’s Six Fun Things To Do At The Fair For Free

When you're broke like me, the fair can really suck. You drop about $30 bucks for a wristband, then proceed to spend the next 4 hours standing in line for 30 second rides. Even if you eat right before you hit the fairgrounds, the aroma of all the fair food will have your mouth watering, so you end up dropping another 10-20 bucks on food that probably wasn't made for human consumption. And, of course, you HAVE to play one of the games of "chance" that are designed to take every penny you have. Even if you do somehow manage to cheat the system, you win a thirty-seven cent cheap stuffed animal knock-off that wasn't even good enough to be made in China.

Now, don't get me wrong. I dig the atmosphere, enjoy people watching, and love wandering around checking out the sights. Fortunately, I get in for free, which actually fits my budget. Granted, I'm working, but that's a moot point. While I've been hanging out this week, I came up with a list of fun, FREE, things to do that will actually make your fair experience more enjoyable...

1. Count Carny Teeth

This is actually not hard to do, and will only take you about 5 minutes. 1 minute per tooth. I think they share...

2. Play "what did I step in"

While the fairgrounds crew does an excellent job of keeping the ground clean, they can only do so much. While walking around, try to guess what each of the stains and spills you step in is. Bonus points if you taste it...

3. Try to guess which patrons have STD's

This is a variation of "Hooker Or Not" (a fun game to play in Vegas). As you sit back and people watch, try to figure out who has a little extra cheese on their taco. Sitting in a high traffic area for 4-5 hours at a time, I've noticed quite a few people scratching. Nice.

4. Mess with the people in the Livestock and animal areas

If you decide to take a break from the rides, hit the areas where they have animals. Ask the owners of the animals which ones are the best for sex. Then ask if they're going to take a break anytime soon, or, if not, ask if they will give you directions to their ranch. Tell them you'll provide your own camera man and lube.

5. mess with security

There are plenty of ways to do this. One way involves you dressing up in clothes that are too small, finding a bored security guard, and crying. They'll stare at you awkwardly for a few minutes, then eventually walk up and ask if there's anything they can do. Tell them you lost your mommy, and you're scared. If they ask when was the last time you saw her, point at them and scream as loud as you can "Stranger Danger!"

You can also walk up to one and tell them you've been sexually accosted in the parking lot. When they ask if you can describe the perp, give them an exact description of yourself.

6. Crop-dust

There's nothing funner to do in big crowds than crop-dust. Random farting while you're walking is really just giving everybody around a little piece of you to remember. If you get caught, try to blame it on the hottest lady near you.