Earlier this month, the staff at Guitar World was trolling Craigslist for ads about (what else?) guitars, when they came across one of the greatest advertisements from a guitar seller that has ever been posted on the site. The ad is titled “REAL METAL guitar for sale - $400 (Union Square)” and in it, the seller explains that the Ibanez DT350 X series is “serious as s--t” and will only play certain music for certain people, i.e. music the seller doesn’t think is crap for players who “really are ready to rock.”

Here are some of our favorite quotes from the post: "THIS GUITAR WILL NOT PLAY DOOM METAL. This guitar needs to play GOOD RIFFS and not BORING doom riffs...If you own a Fender or Gibson and want to upgrade, I can't sell this to you (Ibanez Japanese guitars are the PRIME of guitar craftsmanship crafted by the ancient Japanese wizards—if you think otherwise, you haven't played one of these HEAVY METAL BATTLE TANKS.)

And another: "If you say you are ready to buy this guitar and show up to buy it wearing a Mastodon shirt, I can't sell it to you. I MEAN RIFFS, not some banjo jangle pentatonic s--t."

The ad has since been taken down and replaced by a much shorter and less exciting ad, but the good news is you can still experience the original ad. Johnny B Guitars has created a YouTube video for the posting which you can watch above. It features a computer voice reading the text of the ad, with various images that correspond to the text flashing on the screen. We’ve also pasted text and a screenshot of the original ad below.

If you’re interested, you can still buy this epic guitar, but make sure you use it for “serious riffs and metal” not “your favorite s--tty bands,” and definitely not doom metal.

Full Post Text (as transcribed by Guitar World):

"For sale I have this REAL METAL GUITAR. It's an Ibanez DT350. It's the X series, so it's serious as s--t, not for wimp rock or doom metal. It's only for serious riffs and metal. It's from 1984 (most likely older than you or your favorite s--tty bands). It plays Eighties metal perfectly—Kreator, Motorhead, maybe some Venom, Judas Priest, Randy Rhoads (but if you want to play Randy Rhoads, you should buy a Randy Rhoads, you scum).

"This guitar can also play Motley Crue and Megadeth. This guitar will be perfect for playing in a Motley Crue cover band (but you don't, though, because you don't have the chops).

"THIS GUITAR WILL NOT PLAY DOOM METAL. This guitar needs to play GOOD RIFFS and not BORING doom riffs. If your favorite band is Black Sabbath, I can't sell this guitar to you. If you own a Fender or Gibson and want to upgrade, I can't sell this to you (Ibanez Japanese guitars are the PRIME of guitar craftsmanship crafted by the ancient Japanese wizards—if you think otherwise, you haven't played one of these HEAVY METAL BATTLE TANKS.)

"If you want to play REAL GUITAR RIFFS, this guitar is for you! If you have a Marshall full-stack in your bedroom, THIS GUITAR IS FOR YOU. If you say you are ready to buy this guitar and show up to buy it wearing a Mastodon shirt, I can't sell it to you. I MEAN RIFFS, not some banjo jangle pentatonic s--t. If you own an HM2, this guitar is perfect. You can get the perfect chainsaw distortion with these HOT HIGH GAIN RAIL PICKUPS. Real riffs only."

 

Screenshot of the Craigslist Post

GuitarWorld.com